that's the beauty of a secret (you know you're suppose to keep it)
by gay.briella
Summary: We spent most of our time together and did everything together; I guess this is something inevitable. Maybe it's fate, maybe it's destiny. Or maybe, maybe it's the fact that I fell in love with my best friend and my best friend can't love me back.
1. Lexa

I was replaced. There's really no other way to say it.

Two years in their relationship, he proposed to her.

I was the first one to know. She came to my apartment, in the middle of the night. I was just finishing up my sixth bottle, drowning all the hurt and sorrow to help me sleep, when there was a loud knock on my front door. I remember opening my door and the first thing that came in my mind was that something bad had happened to her. She was pacing the hallway and there were tears in her eyes, her hands were shaking.

I quickly pulled her in a tight hug. She hugged me back just as tight.

After that night, I tried my best to be happy about her engagement. I never hugged her again. I never touched her again, she wasn't mine to touch. Even before he came into her life, she wasn't really mine to touch to begin with. We were fooled in to believing that it's perfect okay. That it was perfectly okay for me to hold her hand, to kiss her cheek, to hug her, to curl up next to her in her couch or her in bed.

No. After that night, I just couldn't bring myself to touch her again.

She was oblivious to the change. She was to happy and busy preparing for her wedding and gushing over her ring with Raven and Octavia.

I said yes when she asked me to be her maid of honor. I mean, that's what a best friend would do right?

I didn't know that also meant joining Raven and Octavia in planning the wedding, more gushing about him, planning for their honeymoon. It was barely a week of planning before it started getting into me.

She asked me to go with her to pick her wedding dress. I drove us to a shop Octavia said had the best gowns in the city.

I had to leave when I saw in her that beautiful white dress. I couldn't be there. It hurt too much, because the only thing I could think of was me waiting for her at the end of the aisle. That it was me she was going to be married to.

We used to talk about our dream weddings and make up scenarios. Her better half would always be faceless.

But when I saw her in that dress, and she was smiling at me, that faceless groom became Finn Collins. And that's when I realized that she wasn't just going to be Dr. Clarke Griffin anymore. She was going to be Dr. Clarke Griffin-Collins in just a few months.

He showed up in her life when I least expected it. She met him on her trip to Boston. Their personalities were so alike; no wonder they hit it off immediately.

He was funny and sweet and kind and generous, just like her. He has a law degree and he paints. He shared so much of her interests and her likes. I even joked that they were a perfect match made in heaven. He was surprising humble with all his wealth and his family's connection.

Really, he was perfect for her.

As if the whole texting and skyping thing wasn't enough, she started to drive every weekend to meet him or she'd ask him to drive down and stay over.

It didn't take long for all that driving and visits to start cutting our time together. It took her longer than I thought it would for her to realize how much I was missing her, but like the fool that I am, I continued to encourage her to see him and it felt like a stab in my chest, but she was so happy with him. Who am I to stand in between something that makes her burst with happiness?

I wasn't surprised at all when four months later, he got a job at a law firm here in New York, and not long after that, he started hanging out with us at the Dropship during Friday nights. As much as I like to hate him, I couldn't. He was too much like Clarke that I feel like I hate on Clarke as well.

Octavia and Raven liked him. Even Bellamy, with all this protective-brother vibe, liked him. There was literally nothing to hate about him.

Soon after, he took my place in Clarke's couch, in Clarke's bed. The extra drawer that was once filled with my clothes for whenever I slept over was replaced with his.

I would often think back to the night before she left for her trip, when everything was easy and simple and I could hide my feelings from her without feeling like I'm about to burst. I was blabbing out every excuse I can think of for her to cancel her trip, just for her to stay. She just laughed it off and softly kissed me on the cheek before bidding a good night. I wonder if things would be different if I had told her I was in love with her that night.

That night would forever be burned in my memories, it was one of the best nights we had. The gang met up at the bar, had drinks, made a fool of ourselves, and then I drove us back to her place and we fell asleep on her bed watching Friends. Then the following morning I took her to the airport. And when she pulled me in a tight hugged and whispered how much she was going to miss me, I almost told her I was in love with her.

A week later, she came back, and everything changed.

It's the night before the wedding. Clarke is asleep on her bed. I woke up an hour ago to find ourselves in a position we were once so used to. I let myself have this moment for a little longer. I allowed myself to feel weak for just this moment.

I placed a soft kiss on top of her head and slowly slipped out of bed and gathered my things. I took a last look at woman who have my heart and left the room.

I've been sitting at the couch staring at the piece of paper in front of me for the past 15 minutes. I glanced up at the picture frame hanging on the wall.

It was a picture of me and Clarke during her 22nd birthday. We threw her a surprise party in the apartment we shared with Raven and Octavia back in college. Our arms were wrapped around each other; we were cheek to cheek and smiling at the camera. I couldn't think of a time where I'd seen her smile more brightly than that night.

Staring at the photo, I was hit with guilt and hatred for what I was about to do. I wiped the tear that managed to slip and stood up, grabbing the piece of paper and folding it before placing it on the kitchen counter, and walked out the door.

I tried not to think how I'm betraying everyone.

I tried not to think of Clarke and what this would do to her.

I tried to convince myself this was what had to be done.

I got in my car.

Drove off.

And never looked back.

 _Clarke,_

 _By the time you find this letter, I've been long gone. I am so sorry for doing this to you, Clarke. This is the only way to give you the happiness you deserve. I know the moment you finish this letter; you'll come looking for me. You'll probably race straight to my apartment, then to the airport._

 _I should be there right now. Supporting you and celebrating the biggest day of your life. I tried. I really did. But how much can a person take seeing the person they're in love with, love someone else? I don't trust myself to not stand in the middle of the ceremony and not object when the priest asks why you and Finn shouldn't be married._

 _This is why I have to leave._

 _I am in love with you Clarke Griffin. I love you more than I loved anyone else. It's the kind of love we always talked about and hoped we'd find. And we did. You found it with him. You're my everything, Clarke. My best friend, my confidant, my soul._

 _We spent most of our time together and did everything together; I guess this is something inevitable. Maybe it's fate, maybe it's destiny. Or maybe, maybe it's the fact that I fell in love with my best friend and my best friend can't love me back._

 _I wish I was strong enough to stay. I wish I could be strong for the two of us._

 _You will not find me, Clarke. None of you will. I know you. I know you'll try everything to find me. But I'm asking you to let it go. Just like I'm letting you go. I know you better than anyone; that will never change._

 _Call me selfish; call me a coward for leaving. But I can't stand to see the hurt in your eyes, knowing I was the cause of it._

 _I love you, Clarke Griffin. I can only hope you can forgive me for this betrayal._

 _All my love,_

 _Lexa_


	2. Clarke

_It's my wedding day._

 _I'm standing beside Finn._

 _I'm waiting for my turn to speak, at the right time, with the right words._

 _"_ _I do."_

The morning light slowly filled the room as it filtered through the curtains. The cold air made me shiver as I rolled over, expecting to find a body to keep me warm. When I was met with nothing but cold sheets, I slowly opened my eyes and saw that the other side of the bed was empty. Blinking the sleepiness away, I got out of bed and stretched, letting out a low moan when I heard my back crack.

"Lex?"

I called out as I made my way out the bedroom and to the kitchen.

Silence.

"Lexa, where are you? Octavia will be here in an hour."

"Clarke. We're in the living room." A familiar voice called out.

I did a 180 turn and made my way to the living room and was surprised when I saw Octavia, Raven, and my mom sitting on the couch. All three girls were giving me a look I couldn't quite explain and my mom looked like she was about to cry.

I asked if they've seen Lexa and why they were here so early when the plan was for Octavia to pick me and Lexa up and meet up with them at the hotel.

With the mention of the name of the missing woman, mom stood up from the couch and announced that she'll be making breakfast. Octavia rushed towards me and enveloped me in a tight hug, squealing at how excited she was for me. I l let out a soft chuckle and hugged her back.

"Lexa went out to grab some stuff. She said she'd be back in time for the wedding." Octavia said as she pulled back from the hug.

I nodded, but I didn't miss the glare Raven gave Octavia.

"Let's eat up, princess! We have a big day ahead." Octavia whooped and smacked my ass before rushing to the kitchen where Abby was filling plates with her pancakes.

I turned to Raven and raised an eyebrow, "You're awfully quiet, Reyes." Climbing on the couch, I sat crossed-leg, facing her.

"Just thinking." Raven said.

I was about to poke for more information when, "GRIFFIN! REYES! GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE AND EAT SO WE CAN START DOLLING UP THE BRIDE!" was heard. Raven shook her head, stood up, and went to the kitchen.

Breakfast was quiet, aside from Octavia who was listing off things verbally on what still needs to be done and that we only have a handful of hours left. Honestly, she was way more excited than I am and I'm the one getting married.

Later that day, Lexa was still nowhere to be seen.

I tried calling her but it constantly went straight to voicemail.

The 17 messages I sent her were all unanswered.

Octavia kept saying that she'd be here on time.

Raven shrugged when I asked her.

Mom was acting strange whenever I mentioned Lexa.

I couldn't help but think that something was amiss.

"She's not coming."

I looked up to see Raven enter the car.

We arrived at the church 30 minutes ago. I've been waiting for Lexa and I told my mom I wouldn't leave this car until Lexa arrives. The wedding was supposed to start 20 minutes ago.

"What?"

Raven sighed.

"Lexa."

At the mention of her name, I felt my body stiffen. I felt panic clawing its way in me; I feel my heart beating faster with every passing second. I took a deep breath and tried to calm my heart down.

"Raven …" the waver in my voice betrayed me.

Her hands were shaking as she opened her clutch bag and pulled out a folded piece of paper. When she looked up at me, her eyes were shining with unshed tears.

"Octavia, she … she found this on your kitchen counter this morning. She came early, she said she wanted to get you up and ready as soon as possible."

Raven handed me the piece of paper. The moment I opened it, I immediately recognized it was from her. I would recognize that penmanship anywhere.

"Octavia didn't know it was for you. There was no name written on the front. So she read it."

I felt like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped over me. My eyes began to water and the words in front of me started to blur.

 _"_ _Clarke,_

 _By the time you find this letter, I've been long gone."_

It was like everything around me stopped. It's like someone hit pause and now I'm stuck in this moment with no idea how to move forward.

"She called me when she realized what the letter was about. Then we called your mom."

I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe.

I continued to read the letter and ignored Raven's rambling.

 _I am in love with you, Clarke Griffin._

Wet spots appeared on the paper and I realized I was crying. I angrily wiped the tears away and glared at Raven.

"Why?"

Raven at least had the decency to appear guilty.

"Octavia and your mom said not to tell you."

I was angry. I heard the paper crumple as I curled my hand into a fist.

I closed my eyes and all I could see was green. Green eyes staring back at me. All I could see was her, smiling at me. I closed my eyes and the words kept repeating themselves in my head.

 _I am in love with you, Clarke Griffin._

"Clarke." Raven placed her hand on my arm. "Do you love her?"

My eyes snapped open at her question. _Do I?_

And that's when it hit me. Like a loud crash of waves against the rocks at the bottom of a cliff, like the air was suddenly sucked out of my lungs. It hit me like a big slap on my face and I can physically feel its sting.

"Oh god." I whispered.

Raven and I locked eyes and she knew. I didn't have to say the words.

"What are you going to do?"

"What must be done."

I could feel my eyes begin to burn and I knew the tears would soon come but I tried to keep it together as I walked down the aisle. I took a deep breath and blinked the tears away.

They stared at me as I kept walking, offering a small smile to some who smiled my way. I let them think that the tears I was shedding were of joy and happiness. I figured it was for the best since they wouldn't understand. They weren't abandoned by their best friend.

 _I can do this. I must do this._

I looked at Finn waiting for me at the altar, Bellamy stood beside him as his best man. I can see him take a deep breath and swipe a thumb at the corner of his eye. He looked at me and smiled; there was so much love in his eyes that I can't help but return it even though I can now feel the tears freely running down my face.

I reached them and Finn gave me a worried look, noticing the internal turmoil happening inside me. _Are you okay?_ He mouthed. I nodded and tried to smile. I see Raven in the corner of my eye giving me a look. Bellamy grinned at me and kissed me on the cheek before walking away and taking his seat.

As the minister started to speak, I zoned out while waiting for the right time to speak. There was this one question in my mind that I can't seem to find the answer to no matter how hard I tried.

 _Why?_

I could feel Finn take my hand and squeezed it gently.

I've known him for years. I fell in love with him all those years ago when we met in Boston. I love him. I really do. But sometimes, most of the time actually, I feel like I don't love him as much as he loves me. I know we can have a happily married life and have kids. I honestly believe that we'll be happy together.

I looked at him and studied his profile. Everything about him is so familiar and I feel safe—and suddenly, like someone flipped a switch, everything became unfamiliar. It was like I was seeing things for the very first time.

I was still waiting for my turn to speak, waiting for the right words. Introductions were made, the minister giving a speech about how important marriage is, and I could faintly hear Finn softly humming along during the hymns.

Ah. Here we are. It's time.

 _I'm doing this for you, Lexa._

"Before we continue, I ask that if anyone here present at this ceremony objects to this marriage, speak now or foreve-"

"I do." I said loud and clear for everyone to hear.

Finn whipped his head so fast to look at me; I feared his neck was going to break. He looked at me with wide eyes

"No, dear, your part comes later and you can-" the minister started to speak

I shook my head.

"I object to this marriage. I have a reason why we can't be married."

Finn looked shocked. And quite frankly, I was too. I was surprised on how steady my voice was despite all the crying I did when Raven gave Lexa's letter back in the car.

There were hushed murmuring behind us and the minister was looking at me like a second head just popped out of my shoulder. I ignored him and turned to Finn.

"Clarke," He looked hurt, and small part of me felt guilty for doing this to him, but this is the right thing to do. It would be unfair for the both of us if we got married. I know I should've done it in private, nicely, and have a civil conversation. I would have done it in private if only they didn't keep that stupid letter from me. "I don't understand. What's this about?" he grabbed both my hands and softly ran his thumbs over my knuckles.

"I would've married you." I cleared my throat, and took a deep breath; my voice began to waver as I continued to speak "I would've married you even though I was in love with someone else because a part of me does love you. We've been together for 3 years. And I will treasure those for the rest of my life. You would've been my husband."

There were tears streaming down his face and I hated myself for doing this to him.

The crowd behind us was watching us as if they were watching a scene out of a movie. I can see Octavia speaking to Raven, and by the looks of it, she's not too happy.

"I can still be your husband, Clarke. Please. We'll make this wo-"

"I'm in love with my best friend"

And with those words, I saw Finn deflate, his shoulders sagged and the look in his eyes told me that he knew it all along.

"Finn, I'm so sorry." A sob escaped my lips and I quickly clamped my hand over my mouth but it was of no use. My eyes started to blur and the tears started to spill again.

Finn quickly pulled me in his arm, I tried to pull away but he only tightened his grip. He ran his hand soothingly up and down my back and whispered, "It's okay, Clarke. I've known for a long time."

"She's gone." I managed to croak out, "She's gone because of me."

And I broke down in the arms of the man that I was supposed to marry in front of all the people who came to a wedding that will never take place.


	3. Note

hey! :) this story is now complete

read the first chapter of the sequel here: s/11611309/1/nobody-said-it-was-easy-no-one-ever-said-it-would-be-this-hard


End file.
